


Come back home

by Follow (OceanFoam)



Series: iKON cloudbursts [3]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Fluff, Hanbin has issues, Just a little tho, Kinda fluff, M/M, Not Beta Read, Soft Boys, but also sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:36:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OceanFoam/pseuds/Follow
Summary: It was just a ride back home, in more ways than one.
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Series: iKON cloudbursts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1578799
Comments: 7
Kudos: 29





	Come back home

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on that monstrous Junbin I started posting but here I am!... Yey. 
> 
> I kinda decided to start letting myself work on the little bursts of inspiration I have randomly instead of letting them fade to focus on my bigger wips because I never do focus on the damned wips anyway so... Might as well see if I can at least do something with these.
> 
> This also means that these might end up being stupid, pointless, bad or boring or whatever because they have no real ground of existence besides a very fleeting moment of mild inspiration. So please have that in mind. 
> 
> This one in particular was spurred by something I saw in a subway back in SK. And I'm not sure if it is confusing, I hope it's not, but if it is, sorry, it wan't the intention.
> 
> Ok, let's go!:  
> \- English is not my first language  
> \- Not beta'd (at all)

It was late, it was getting cold too. He was regretting his hasty departure, pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie to cover his hands, raising his shoulders to try and warm up his neck. The air con was unforgiving, it was fucking intense. Why did they put it so low? It was winter, it was cold, he freezed his balls outside in the almost sub zero temperatures, there was _no_ need for it to make a siberian winter in the damn subway. 

But yeah, maybe he should’ve taken the scarf or the gloves or the beanie… Or maybe the stupid jacket. It was hanging by the door, in plain sight, Hanbin was just an idiot. An idiot in a rush.

He sighed, dropping his head back against the window and focusing on the barely there warmth of the setting sun on his face. It’d be gone soon, the moment the subway plunged back underground. 

It was almost gone, the sun, the day, the month, the year… All almost gone, done. Good fucking riddance-

Someone sniffed loudly, then cleared their throat. A shift, some murmurs few seats away.

He looked around, he was in the last seat beside the door, there was a guy leaning against the frame at his left side, several people standing, the seats all taken. The woman right across him, young-ish and dressed in a office-looking attire, was eyeing his shoes, for some odd reason. He looked down, saw nothing weird, they were his vans, worn and faded, but comfortable. Maybe a bit big for him, he had the shoelaces tied tight. But they were his favorite pair, his comfy pair, his lucky pair. He had to wear them today. He looked up, the lady was now busy with her phone. There was an older woman right beside her, though, and she was eyeing _him_ strangely. Why tho?

He pursued his mouth and contained an annoyed eye roll, simply huffed softly and looked away. 

The cart was packing some people, he guessed the bored ones just stared. Right? Right.

The guy at his left groaned and muttered something under his breath, the bag hanging from his shoulder inching closer to Hanbin's head. He leaned away minimally, and the guy sitting at his other side shifted along, his arm moving against Hanbin’s. He jerked away on impulse, throwing a quick furtive glance around to check for more stares. The old woman was still looking. 

He felt a weird prickle at the back of his neck. Maybe the air con. It was too cold. He bunched his shoulders up again.

The subway stopped on a station, more people poured in, few stepped down. And yet, his view to the two women across him was still open.

Apparently someone had left from his row of seats, and someone bigger sat down, because the guy at his right was suddenly closer. He felt closer, was he? Had they always had their arms touching? He tried shifting against the frame on his left, but the other dude was still there, his bag now poking through and centimeters away from Hanbin’s head. Well, perfect. He supposed he preferred the arm on his right. It had a nice jacket, the fabric thick and soft, felt warm. Should he lean closer? Could he? No, no he shouldn’t. That’d be weird, wouldn’t it? Yeah. No. God was he looking too much at the jacket? No one seemed to be looking but the woman across… Whatever.

The arm shifted, rubbing against him, the guy sniffed again, then sighed deeply. He tried really hard not to imitate him, so he pulled his sleeves past his fingers, bunching the fabric in his fists, biting his lip softly. How much longer? The recorded voice spoke right then, five more stations. 

He sighed.

The sun was probably nearly gone by then, just some color left in the sky. The windows were dark now, walls at the other side. He ran his eyes over the boards and publicities, the same as always, the same he’d seen hundreds of times, but still looked at because… Boredom. Then he noticed the woman, the young-ish one, again looking at his shoes. What the heck was she staring at so much? At least the older lady was resting her eyes now. But seriously.

He crossed his arms tightly, moving his feet slightly. This seemed to break the attention of the woman, who looked quickly up to his face. It was a moment of awkward contact, as she was clearly not expecting him watching her and he was not expecting her looking up. So he was too slow to wipe the evident frown from his face, and she startled and looked away quickly.

Again, awkward. She’d probably thought he was trying to intimidate her or something, he was just annoyed. Well, at least she was now back on her phone.

The guy at his side sniffed again, then shifted, his arm rubbing against Hanbin’s firmly. He did his best not to flinch or react, but then their feet bumped, or rather the dude pushed Hanbin’s foot with his own. Hanbin debated if he should move or not, then he did, quick and jerky. And looked down-

Oh. _Oh_. His shoes. Their shoes.

They had coordinated the shoes. Well they hadn’t, it just happened, you know? He had his white and green vans, his shoelaces black, while his-… The guy at his right had green and black vans, white shoelaces. Both pairs worn and faded.

Well, crap. Was that why the woman stared so much? Did they look like couple shoes or something? Did they? Go figure he’d used these today of all times… Well, who was he kidding? He loved these shoes and wore them for a reason, but why had _he_ had to do the same? Did the woman think they were couple shoes? Did she think anything at all?

Another bump of shoes, the dude had moved his feet again, what did he want? Was he being annoying on purpose? He had a suitcase between his legs, silver and littered with stickers, and had been pulling it closer as more people filled in, shifting his feet to the sides to make space. Maybe that’s why? But he still had room, he didn’t need to move so much... Whatever. 

He huffed and moved his feet under the seat, leaning to his left and forgetting about the guy with the bag at his left, consequentially bumping his head to the fucking thing, its owner apparently not noticing.

He huffed again, skin prickling in discomfort.

Now the older woman was looking again, fucking perfect. 

More people walked in, again, few stepped down. The cart was packed, and he could still see the two women across him.

He dropped his head back against the window again, closing his eyes set on ignoring everyone until his station. Or he had intended to. But with his eyes closed, he felt the cold more than before, and he could hear the guy on his right sniffing and clearing his throat and he could feel him shift and move, warm arm against his, now his thigh pressed against him too (he could also almost feel the stupid bag a hairwidth from his head).

But the cold, yeah, that was what he was feeling. Man it was cold. He was coiled tight, arms around himself and hands hidden in his sleeves. He quickly pulled his hood up in hopes of stopping the chill at his neck, then huddled down in his seat to curl a little tighter on himself. 

The sun was probably gone, gone for good now. It was probably around 6 something. It’d be full night by the time they-... By the time he got to his station. God, he couldn’t wait-

*taptap*

His fucking shoe again. He held his breath for two seconds, then sighed slow and deep. He didn’t want to open his eyes-

*tap*

For fucks sake, he knew he was gonna find the women staring again. He opened his eyes slowly, quickly looking over the opposite window. The first woman was still pinned to her phone, maybe he’d scared her or something. Well, he felt kinda bad but better that way he guessed-

*taptap*

The older woman _was_ looking, of course.

He moved his feet away, pulling them to the left and shifting his whole body away from the guy on his right. He lost some warmth, hit the bag with his head but he just didn’t care anymore. He saw the dude move his leg closer to him, but Hanbin kept to his coiled self, knowing he was probably looking a bit strange right now, pressing himself against the side, curled in cold. How much longer?

“Hey-” he heard the rough voice, soft and tentative. From his right. 

His heart stuttered, his stomach grew heavy. He tried to ignore it, but he felt awful for doing so. He turned his head towards the guy, looking his way but not at him, humming a vague inquiring noise just under his breath. But the man seemed hesitant; he leaned closer, started a noise, maybe a word, twice before sighing in what sounded like defeat and dropping back to his place.

Well, there was that. Ok. Fine, not like he cared. He _had_ answered, he did. Great, now his stomach felt weird, was he gonna be sick? There was so many people...

Hanbin threw a furtive glance to the people across him, the woman in office clothes was, again, staring at his, _their_ , shoes. The older woman, at the guy at his right.

Well, great. Just great. Perfect. He took a deep breath, forcing it in. He really wanted to get home, he really wanted to leave this stupid subway, was it the next stop? Please let it be the next one.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, he couldn't stop his leg from jumping in startle.

He waited for a heartbeat, then another, trying to not rip it out of his hoodie, but really wanting to do so. He took it out with as much calm as he could muster.

**Kimbap**

_I missed you_

Fuck.

Just... Fuck.

His fingers hovered over the screen, burning to reply _I missed you too, I missed you so much, I’m sorry, I’m an idiot_ but his hands were frozen. He could feel the expectancy, hear it in the relative silence around him. He had to reply, he felt so bad.

The dude at his left shifted, startled him, and he quickly pocketed his phone back into his hoodie, feeling his cheeks warming up and his heart protesting.

God, he felt awful. Something was burning in his gut now, and not in a pleasant way.

Someone sighed, he tasted dissapointment at the back of his throat, it dripped down heavy and sticky to the base of his lungs. And he felt like running away. His leg was jumping in place already, he felt himself leaning forward.

Luckily, his station was next, and he jumped from his seat like it burned his ass. 

He felt like he had broken restrains as he walked away from that stupid bag near his head, and the office woman threw one last look at his shoes before focusing back on her phone. The older lady, though, followed him with her eyes, he felt her watching as he stood by the doors, waiting for them to open. He also felt the soft rumble of a rolling suitcase, someone standing really close to him at his back. A bit too close maybe, but he didn’t have the heart to step away. He just took in the prickling at his back, ignored the insistent stare right until the subway fully stopped. Then he glanced to the side, the woman was still staring, and just as he was about to roll his eyes in pure exasperation, she smiled at him.

A smile, soft and so genuine, her eyes even closing for a second and her head nodding gently, her sight shifting minimally behind him. 

He was utterly confused, and had to be softly pushed forward to walk out of the subway.

At the station, it still took him a moment to gather his wits and start his way out. He tried not to think much about it, but the weird jumble in his stomach was hard to ignore. He was, surprisingly, ansty. 

Well, what was a stranger’s uncompromised smile in a packed subway anyway? A momentary touch of fake comfort just before he walked back into the cold... But it wasn’t the old lady’s fault either, she probably meant well, he was just being a prick. Honestly, what he'd give for there to be more like her, but… Whatever, if he ever saw her again, maybe he should smile back at her? Maybe.

The escalator was, surprise surprise, packed. He kept his hands in his pockets as he climbed up, trying not to look around. But he did, he looked back. He saw the glimpse of the silver suitcase, a big, bright blue sticker of a cartoonish wave on a side. His heart hurt a little bit, so he looked back ahead.

The people dispersed at the street, and he stood on a side, checking around and thinking what to eat for dinner. He’d probably order, pizza surely. Or maybe something local? If Jiwon… If he was tired of pizza. He’d have to ask.

He heard the rumbling roll of the suitcase and turned, catching the sharp eyes, dark and tired, pinned straight to him. There was a tentative smile there too, unsure, asking, closed lips kinda tight. 

He had to swallow, his throat was hurting some, his chest too. Damn, it was cold.

He offered a smile back, quick and wobbly, then nodded towards the street and resumed his way.

He had his hand gripping his phone in his pocket until he felt every curve and nook, his shoulders stiff and pulled up. He was cold, tense and hungry. And mad, he was mad and so annoyed. That whole stupid subway ride was so fucking stupid. He was so stupid. 

The silence around him, them, as they walked down the smaller streets towards his home made it all worse. It was silence and the rumbling of the tiny wheels on the asphalt. He wanted to cry.

Three times he almost spoke, three times he had his words dissolve and fall into pieces back down his throat, when a person walked by or out of a store or maybe just made noise nearby. What a mess, he had completely lost it. He had left it all to rust, apparently, and it frustrated him to no end. He had thought himself better, but it seemed he had let it all freeze and crack and fade. 

The elevator ride was the epitome of awkwardness. He had held the door open and made space for him and his luggage, then hit the floor and… Waited.

By now there was no more throat clearing or shifts or taps or tentative _hey_ ’s. It was all frosty silence. He tried really hard not to crumble.

He opened the door to his apartment, let Jiwon in first, then himself, closing after him softly, as if scared to break the steely void around them. 

But just as he let go of the handle, something hit a wall and something dropped, and then a loud, sharp rush of air and a groan. He heard rustle and feet moving, and the moment he turned around, a warm, solid body came crashing against him, arms wrapping around him tight and unforgiving.

He felt the soft, warm jacket against him, then under his palms, and then clasped tight in his fingers as he clutched to the fabric with trembling hands. He pressed himself hard against him, hugging back with all he had, feeling his own breathing disturbed yet holding tighter still. He buried his face in the jacket, smelling the remnants of the body cologne he always used in his neck, and losing it then and there.

He tried to hold back the tears at firsts, but then just couldn’t. He just breathed him in and sobbed all his tension out as he held him close and tight, feeling Jiwon’s hands pet his head roughly, in that way he always did that made him go weak and soft. Just like then, melting what was left of him against his chest, hearing and feeling him talk in the loose drawl of his voice. That voice, right against his ear, that voice.

When he could finally get his breathing and sobbing under control, he peeled his face from Jiwon’s shoulder and blinked the blur of his tears away. What a mess he must’ve looked like, but he was more urged to look at him than anything else, he needed to stare into those sharp, dark eyes and check for the sparkle in them, he had to see.

But it was too dark, he hadn’t turned the light on yet. He struggled to hit the switch on the wall to do so, but a warm, rough hand took hold of his, rubbing his still cold fingers into life again.

“I missed you” he heard him, low and endearing, and he almost broke crying again.

“I missed you too” he managed in his own, cracked voice “I’m sorry”

“No-”

“Yes, I’m sorry, I did, I missed you much” he pressed, “I didn’t mean to be like that, I was an idiot-”

“Stop it, you were not, it’s ok” Jiwon took his face in his hands, locking their eyes to one another “I know, baby, I understand” he said, slowly and clearly. He waited for Hanbin to nod, and then dropped a warm kiss to his nose, and another on his forehead, and finally one, longer and firmer, on his bitten lips.

Hanbin let himself relax for the first time in days (months), days of worrying and anticipating and waiting and worrying some more. Of busting his lips and biting his nails and spacing out and getting so self conscious over everything and everyone, thinking what would others think and what would Jiwon think, it had been so long.

But now he was finally here, he was finally back and, even though Hanbin had messed up and made them both so uncomfortable and miserable, he was there, holding him and kissing him and now smiling at him. His beautiful smile, with those charming front teeth peeking bold and proud in such an endearing, _Jiwon_ way that Hanbin was a stuttering breath away from starting to cry again.

Then his favorite smile in the whole universe dimmed down, and Jiwon asked “Did something happen?”

“What?” he asked in return, although he knew very well _what_. What had happened, why was he a whole idiot again?

“Did something happen while I was gone?” Jiwon clarified, hands still on Hanbin’s cheeks, thumbs softly rubbing at the skin slightly irritated by salty tears.

“No” he shook his head minimally, “I just lost it, you were gone and I just” he shrugged, feeling awful again “I’m just a coward without you”

“No, you are not” Jiwon laughed softly, as if it were the stupidest thing he had heard that day “It’s been too long, it was too much..." he faltered, his mouth pulling to a side in a grimmace, then it grew back into that life-saving smile that Hanbin owed so much to, confidence and acceptance sparkling in his sharp, dark eyes "We’ll just build that courage back up, you’ll see”

“I’m sorry-” he said again, but Jiwon planted another soft kiss on his mouth before he continued.

“Enough of that, I get it” he gave him another little smile, dropped his hands to his shoulders “I’m sorry too”

“What? Why? What are you apologizing for?” 

“You were really uneasy on the ride home, I could tell, I shouldn't have pressed”

Hanbin clicked his tongue in annoyance “Don’t- It’s ok, I was just being stupid”

“Nothing stupid about it. Something was bothering you, I should have checked before doing anything, I was just so…” he sighed, sliding his hand down now to his waist and rounding him up for another hug “I just missed you so much”

“I did too, I’m sorry I made you feel bad”

“You didn’t, I told you, I understood” there was this lightness to his words, this confidence and understanding that helped Hanbin believe him, helped him feel lighter himself. 

Finally, after months, he felt in his rightful place. He felt his chest clear and his head calm, his heart at ease and his whole being full to the brim with warmth. His arms were full of Jiwon and he felt in absolute heaven being wrapped in his arms, just feeling him solid and real with him again, breathing in his faint cologne, the one he _knew_ Hanbin not only tolerated but also kinda liked. 

He breathed a little laugh, dismissing Jiwon’s inquiring sound, because what he didn’t know is that he only tolerated it and even kinda liked it because Jiwon himself used it. He’d dislike it just like any other if it wasn’t on him. It wasn’t the cologne Jiwon used, it was _Jiwon’s cologne_ and there was a world of difference. So much difference that it was the sole reason why he had left his apartment underdressed and with only his hoodie for warmth. A hoodie that, of course, wasn’t his.

After a moment of settling silence and unrelenting hugging, he heard Jiwon mutter against his hair “Shouldn’t have used these shoes, huh?”

He chuckled at his contrite tone “It’s ok, no one noticed”

“The lady did, tho”

“I scared her accidentally”

“You what?” Jiwon laughed, pulling back to look at him.

Hanbin just shook his head and finally reached to turn the lights on.

They both blinked the brightness away for a moment, and then laughed at each other’s faces.

“So… Pizza or are you sick of it?” Hanbin asked, feeling his mood skyrocket at the sight of his boyfriend’s smile, wide and blatant in full light. He couldn’t help to run a hand through his dark, messy hair, pulling slightly at a tangled lock.

Jiwon made a funny face at that, “Nah, let’s get some pizza, it’s not the same as in the States anyway”

“And then we cuddle in the couch?”

“Of course we cuddle in the couch”

With one last kiss, they dislodged from the hug and move on to order their food and deal with Jiwon’s luggage while they waited for it. Once they had the greasy box in their possession, they dropped on the couch to pick something to watch. They probably wouldn’t watch it, of course, there was way too much to ask and say, just for background noise, as they liked.

It was two hours later, now effectively cuddling in the couch and resting his head on Jiwon’s chest as his boyfriend slept the long travel away, that Hanbin let himself feel gloomy again.

Of course he was over the moon that his kimbap was finally back. The past six months had been awful, calls and messages were not enough, not nearly enough. He had longed for him, craved his presence day in and day out, cried himself to sleep more times that he cared to admit the first weeks. 

But welcoming him to this, to his resurged fear and paranoia. That was awful too. It made him feel guilty and trapped and stuck. The only thing that got him going in hopes was that one promise they had made a year and so ago, that they’d go and find their place soon enough. Not in shadows and not alone. Both, they would both find a place where they could be. Just be, as they were and they needed, at peace with each other and themselves and the world. Maybe hours away, maybe days, maybe across an ocean or a sea or two, maybe many country borders passed, maybe somewhere known, or maybe not.

Maybe they’d never really find a perfect place, but just one better. He wondered if the States were better, or better _enough_. Who knew? He’d stay home if he could, of maybe he’d take all his friends and loved ones along with him and make a new home altogether. But he couldn’t, neither of those. Not anymore. For a while now he'd understood that this was going to be his choice. Their choice, to step out of their lot and find new airs, airs that would allow him breathe in the open and not coil within himself and lose sleep over fears. Not these fears at least.

Jiwon shifted, ran a hand through Hanbin’s hair “I can hear you thinkin'. Wanna go to bed?”

He just nodded in silence, tired of himself.

Sleeping with Jiwon’s warmth flush against him was absolute bliss, something he had missed horrors. He knew waking up would be glorious, just for this one presence finally occupying the cold side of the bed. Fucking finally.

“Missed you” Jiwon’s sleepy growl told him.

“Missed you too” he mumbled back, burrowing closer “Love you”

“Love you too” the growl smiled, he could hear it.

Well, maybe this would do for now. Finding back the little, cozy place he had discovered and built besides Jiwon, this place between his arms that he could call home. A small one, yes, but his own. They’d work on their own in time, find _their_ own new home.

Today was not that day yet, clearly. But they would, soon enough, they’d both break free and find their place together.

Just not yet. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As always, if you read until here, thank you~ Please feel free to talk to me and have a nice day~


End file.
